FACT: Navigating a gym is like driving around without Google Maps in 2018.

You feel lost before you even are.

You take a wrong turn at least once.

And you often end up right back where you started:
PEDALING AWAY ON THE GODFORSAKEN ELLIPTICAL.

Maybe you’ve tried not-so-secretly shadowing “Serena-Williams-Arms” (as you like to call her) around the weightroom … only to feel like a fraud. Correction: A creepy fraud.

Or maybe you gave that 30-bucks-a-pop group fitness studio that your friend claims is “The best. Workout. Ever.” a go … only to spend the class wallowing in a sweaty pit of resentment and self-doubt.

Or maybe you’ve even worked with a trainer before … only to say “fuck this” after three months of doing the same ho-hum workouts without ever being told what works what.

Basically, you’ve tried it all and you’ve been at it for … a while. But you still don’t know your glutes from your hamstrings. And you still hate the gym.

THE BAD NEWS:

Despite what some fitness “gurus” may say, there is no 30-day, holy-grail blueprint out there that’ll get you lifelong fitness enlightenment. If that were the case, New Year’s resolutions wouldn’t even be a thing.

THE GOOD NEWS:

That doesn’t mean you should resign yourself to a lifetime of faking it, fuck-its, and Yo-Yo Fitness’ing™ just yet.

That’s my cue!

I’m Sarah Laspas, an ACE Certified Personal Trainer, Original Strength Coach, and IMPACT Self-Defense graduate.

And if there’s anything I’ve learned over the past 8-or-so years of …

  Being mentored by a nationally-recognized fitness competitor;

  Scratching things like marathons and 200-mile relay races off my bucket list without blowing out a knee; and

  Training a slew of badass women (and a handful of super cool dudes) … it’s this:

An exercise regimen without strength training is like a wedding reception without vodka: Bland, painful, and even more short-lived than your JNCO-jeans phase, circa 1998.

In other words, it’s time for your “lifting phobia” to make a good ol’ fashioned Irish exit and for you to embrace a dumbbell or two. Because when it comes to exercise, punishment is not the point. *shakes fist at all the specialty studios that have left you feeling otherwise*

It’s about re-training your body to move the way it was designed to (adiós, pops, pain, and posture shame!). It’s about testing your limits physically, mentally, and enjoyably.

It’s about shaping muscles and making moxie (and, while we’re at it, keeping “joint replacement” off your bucket list).

Which is exactly why I’m here.

With me as your weightroom wingwoman, you’ll get a fitness program that is tailored to your unique needs and wants. No fads. No boredom. No complicated, cookie-cutter bullshit. You’ll also get an education along the way so you don’t always have to rely on me. AND SO HELP ME QUADS, you’ll ultimately be able to do things like:

Walk around with your head held high, shoulders back (literally), and booty on point. Forever.;

Muster the guts to sign up for those fitness-y activities you’ve always wondered about. Like that rec kickball league. Or that 10K. Or skydiving in Hawaii (DO IT!); and

Navigate the “non-cardio” areas of your gym like a boss (and finally have the satisfaction of knowing that at least half of the resident gym bros, in all their grunty glory, are doing it wrong).

Even if you aren’t into sports, don’t know what it means to brace your core or, up until now, have never used the gym for anything other than sweating out last night’s tequila … I’ve got you, and you’ve got this (I know because that was me in 2006).

It all starts with removing overwhelm from the weightroom and infusing fitness with fun. Because I think we can both agree: Every workout needs more than just a happy ENDING.

*Looks away innocently. Drops mic casually.*


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